When it rains...

So, mom was supposed to go to rehab today. Turns out, she doesn't fit the requirements for the "classy" rehab center because you need out-patient to get there. Her out-patient was psychiatric, not substance abuse... and it doesn't count that she got kicked out of it because of substance abuse.

Whatever.

Either way, this is about the 5th time I've emotionally prepared myself for her 30 day absense, and once again... foiled. I can' t take it anymore. She's asking for help. In fact, she WANTS help... please explain to me why there's a million chains on GETTING HELP? It isn't even a money issue, we HAVE the money. They want her to go to a state rehab... where they don't care about you, and you don't need good insurance. Fuck.

Furthermore, Don's just driving me completely insane. He's pretty much on the verge of relapse, although I'm fairly certain he won't do it. [Fairly certain.] He's worried about his move here... well, moreso about the "what ifs" but he won't tell me what those are. He doesn't want to share them. Oh, okay, then... that's fair? It's so infuriating. I have enough on my plate without him acting like I'm not allowed to know his SUPER SECRET FEARS.

He's going to tell his parents about the move tonight. Maybe.

I'm not sure if we'll talk. His conversation with me turned rather bitter rather quickly.. and he didn't say he loved me. excellent.

In lighter news, Thomas got his license today.

There's always an up... I guess.

Eight Weeks

Eight weeks ago. At 1 a.m. -- This is my life.

I was at Liz's houses, playing games, talking - doing "the usual". Around midnight, I asked Don if he wanted me to head home. He, for the first time, said "no, actually... can you give me another hour?" I agreed, and stayed with Liz for another hour. It was normal and fine, and I finally head home.

As I rounded the corner from Mill Rd. to Main St - there was a traffic light down. Someone had obviously hit it, and there were cops blocking the roads and directing traffic. Traffic... I was the only traffic. But, they did direct me, so there. Anyway, the sight of the traffic light made me worry. I was worried because my stepfather and mother are both alcoholics and have driven under the influence on more than one occassion. Mom's license was suspended... so I wasn't worried about her, really. I kept driving, thinking to myself "you're so overdramatic. Honestly."

I don't remember what was on the radio. I do remember, however, that I was singing along as I made the turn onto St. Marks... to Ray St. and finally Bayview.

It was a beautiful night. The sky was clear, and it was just the right temperature. August nights are always beautiful when they lack humidity. I finally turned onto my street, only to see those spinning red and blue lights. The street was blocked off by a van. I pulled over and walked up.

"Hey... I live down this street, what's going on?"
"You live down here?"
"Yeah, at the end, though."
"There was an accident, you'll have to drive around"
"oh, Okay. No problem."

I smiled and was on my way. I tried to look down the sidestreets to see what was up, but everything was blocked off by a vehicle. Damn. My curiosity - FOILED.

I pulled up to the house, and there were no cars out front. My felt sick, but I went in the house as calmly as I could be. I looked in every room - no one was home. No one. So, I forced myself to calm down and called mom's phone.

"Hello?"
"Mommy?"
"yeah, what's up?"
"Where are you?"
"I was at the Jet game, I'm heading home now on the train. Why?"
"There's an accident on our road."
"Is it the sebring?"
"I don't know."
"Don't go down there - I'll be home soon."
"Okay"

So what did I do? I went down there. What else was I going to do? As I approach, I could see the custom license plate witht he jet helmet. There was a sheet over the driver's side. I waved over a cop.

"That's my car."
".......... it is?"
"Well, it's my mom's, but my stepfather was driving it."
I was ridiculously calm. I couldn't figure out why.
"oh, well, we don't know what his condition is."

I believed him. He asked for my info - where I lived, my mom's name, social security numbers, the like. I walked home, and waited for mom. I had Don call me, and then I lost my cool. I was nauseous, I didn't know what was happening. I wanted to know where everyone was. I wanted to know SOMETHING. I was talking to him for about a half hour when I realized mom hadn't shown up. I called her cell again.

"He's dead. He's dead."
"What?"
"He's just dead."

And she hung up on me. I flashed back to Don and just started crying. I told Troy online to tell Liz what was going on. There was a mass of confusion and no one knew what to do.

A cop brought my mom home and I stayed with her a little bit. She kept leaving me to go hang out at he accident sight. I had to go collect her once, but it was finally futile, and I gave up. She can do whatever she wants. If the cops didn't want her there, then whatever. They can deal with it.

Maybe... one day I'll want to talk about the rest.

It was a long night.

Rain, Rain, Go Away

I managed to spend the better part of my day in a wet sweatshirt. As annoying as it was, it was completely necessary to beat the cold. Lately I've been having a great deal of trouble with my internal climate control. It's getting to be annoying.

I'm freezing every night. Only on my shoulders and my back, though. I slept with 3 different blankets, yet I'm freezing. It's absolutely insane. Not to mention the fact that I'm rarely in the middle. I'm either sweating to death or very cold. Today, however, I was "comfortable" but clammy and wet. Oh, the joys of having classes on the complete opposite ends of campus.

And I'm crafty... I know every in and out of my campus. Especially the ways to beat the elements. However, my scheduling this semester has completely eluded any sort of proper element protection planning. The east side of campus is just old buildings [it's the "old" campus] and doesn't have any sort of connecting routes. The west side of campus ["new" campus] however, has underground walkways, tunnels, and all sorts of neat roundabout ways of getting to the same place. I'm one of the only people that ever uses the underground pathways... mostly because most people don't know it's there. [YES! I learned something by being an orientation leader.]

Did you ever notice how most people don't use the stairs anymore? I really enjoy the stairs that are in the tower building. They're relaxing. No one uses them, so I don't have to wait on anybody and can do my own thing. Anyone else that I've seen on the stairs has the same understanding. There's always this silent gaze that we match... unspoken words.. and a very serene understanding.

Someone held the door open for me today. He looked me right in the eyes as I said, "thank you". It's the little things that get me through the day.

I just need to calm down and remember them sometimes. Driving in the rain... in a peice of junk car that doesn't have proper defogging units... is rather frustration. Especially when the meadowbrook is filled with drivers who posess grandiose delusions of the capacity their SUV can attain.

It's raining, people. Calm down.

Drive safe :)

It's just the beginning

I'm sitting in the computer lab before class. I haven't seen sunlight in over a week at this point, and it's seriously starting to drag me down. [Starting? It's been bugging me since day 4.] I can't stand the lagging feeling that I have. It's hard to be hopeful when the world surrounding is dour and gray.

Statistics at 9:30. I never do my homework, and I still aspire to do well. I highly considered not bringing my book to class today. It's very fat and heavy, and it's raining outside. I brought it anyway. Though I never do my homework, I am deathly afraid of being unprepared. We're only doing probability - it isn't that hard. I'm supposed to know it without looking at my notes. Oops.

Creative writing follows... 3 hours of wonderment. I didn't do my peer revision sheets. [Did I mention that the lack of sunlight has bothered me? Yeah. I've no will to do much of anything, either.] All 3 assignments were dont pretty poorly, so I really don't know how I'm going to function with writing about it. I don't want to... that's all it comes down to. I really. Really. Don't want to.

I get my brother from school, and then work commences. 11 hours. an 11 hour day.

It's friday.

For the past 8 weeks, fridays just haven't been any good. I'll spend the night with mom. Hopefully she won't drink herself into oblivion. I'd like to have a good night.

After all.

I have work in the morning. Blah.